[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
*opens jar of wasps*
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“can i dim the lights