Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

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So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.


Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.


[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”


passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing


Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.


Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.


Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first


4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that


4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams


Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.


Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.


[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]