@Gupton68 So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
@1Happytwit Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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@Gupton68 
@HappyHijabbi Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
@tobestewart [watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
@XennDad passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
@NikiWithIssues Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
@SteveKoehler22 Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
@xennial_mom Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
@SardonicTart Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
@ohthatbadger Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
@TheRobCee [labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]