Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
congratulations to them
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Story of my life…..
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.