Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
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A friend sent me this.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.