In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I have a type: disappointing
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Never ghost your hitman.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*