I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
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If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Traveler’s camo
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.