I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
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When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Omg 🤣
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I am patiently waiting for your email
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?