If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
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me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list