wow
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Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
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I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
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I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.