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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane