None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
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Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
My ideal weight is five million dollars
thinking about a very short hotdog
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.