Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it