@Marlebean I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
@IvoryGazelle healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
You Might Also Like
@Marlebean 
@kevinthedad “All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
@_NTFG_ SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
@ADDiane I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
@1Happytwit You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
@SteveKoehler22 I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
@Marlebean Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
@weirdlilguys 
@gr8h8m_t3chl3r the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
@Jennifer_Arcuri A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉