@IvoryGazelle

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

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@Marlebean

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

@kevinthedad

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

@_NTFG_

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

@ADDiane

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

@1Happytwit

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

@SteveKoehler22

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

@Marlebean

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

@gr8h8m_t3chl3r

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.