healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
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Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
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I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
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I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
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ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Something Saturday.
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I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*