healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.


“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me


SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?


I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.


You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.


I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.


Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.


the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.