healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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3yo: dad Iâm swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know donât drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensiveâŚyouâre literally going that way anywayâŚjust give me a ride.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
mmm onion ringos
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
SCHRĂDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so⌠I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRĂDINGER: Yes.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Sign of the times. đ
#Hoarders #COVIDăź19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
When I say Iâm âgoing through somethingâ I usually mean a family size box of croissants
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was âwhat If I couldnât read?â
I literally had to just walk away.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Me: i donât believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, thatâs not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello