A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
You Might Also Like
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid