*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.