My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
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My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Sunday
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Software Development ⛵️
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”