[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
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every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.