the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
handsome & gretel
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Become ungovernable.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.