[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
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Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone