Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.