not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
This is my cat’s medicine.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!