Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
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A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*