if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
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Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!