I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Lmfaoooooo
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
i love meeting boys on tinder
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work