My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
You Might Also Like
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Feels like the fourth month in January
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Happy Taco Tuesday
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.