Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi