My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
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I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.