My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”