Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
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firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”