HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
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*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense