[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
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Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.