Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.


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* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read


BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir


My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting


For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.


wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you


My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.


Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.


Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much


Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.