Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
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my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.