I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
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I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???