judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
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amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
rapatouille
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I am a gravy boat captain
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Was it something I said?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case