here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
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Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
im all 3
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”