Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
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Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I’m tired tomorrow.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Introverted vegans go meetless
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*