Introverted vegans go meetless
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Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
water it, i dare you
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.