I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
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Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”