“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
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Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look