Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
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Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Where’s my employee discount too?
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??