If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
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[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
bought wrong eggs
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Good dog. ❤️
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.