International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
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I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
584.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”