Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
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People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I’m already scared
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.