No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
You Might Also Like
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach