No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
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This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
¯_(ツ)_/¯
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…