BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

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Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.


Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’


[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan


I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning


I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.


When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.


-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.


Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.


When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”