[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be![]()
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Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Brother?
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I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I am having an out of money experience.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me