[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
You Might Also Like
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
and this one
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.