These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
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i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Twitter fine art
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..