Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

good for her

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

Pandas 🐼🖤

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.