omg leave her alone
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judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.