Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
wish me luck lads
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Worst Native American name ever.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.