We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
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HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump