The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”