“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
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“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?