Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
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Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
apparently this year was written by stephen king
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Meow
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song